I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
