Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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