I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
