Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
