Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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