Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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