At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
