i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
