Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize