I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
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I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
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I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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