I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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