It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
