You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
