True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
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I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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