after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
