Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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