ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
