Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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