At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Boobs speak an international language.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
