dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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