I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
