I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
