That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
