i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I am mentally ready for anal.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
