You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
