UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
