i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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