The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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