dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
