You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
