so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
