the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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