Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
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If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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