I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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