IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
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I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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