Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You took a bar mat shot.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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