you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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