On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
