Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I have tasted many bathrooms
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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