I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
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Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
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I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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