Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
