My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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