dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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