I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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