Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
