remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He felt like a one man threesome
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize