i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
