drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
