oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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