I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
