I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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