we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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