why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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