I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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