so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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