you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
