In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
