Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
