whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
