I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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