god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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